


Unintended

by Ryeoluv



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Angst, Antwerp, Fluff, Inner conflicts, M/M, Milan making things super complicated, wtfock - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:26:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22515448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryeoluv/pseuds/Ryeoluv
Summary: Milan is known to be the happy and cheerful guy, but is this real? Or is he wearing a mask? And what happens when he meets someone who makes him feel things he promised himself to never feel again?
Relationships: Milan Hendrickx/ Original Character
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to give a mayor shout out to EscapeeMum for beta-reading my fic and encouraging me to post this. ♥  
> And Zelda Zonk for having the patience to listen to all my brainstorm moments on messenger! 
> 
> This chapter is 1 day late. (oops, off to a great start!) I'll try to update weekly! 
> 
> #MILANSEASON6

**Zaterdag 10:03**  
It was a gloomy Saturday morning, when Milan decided to finally sort out Lisa’s last belongings. They didn’t schedule him at work this week so he had enough time to go through it all. He did have a project for school but he was good at procrastinating.  
He’d already started sorting out some of Lisa’s belongings in December, when she’d finally come home from her exchange program and told them she would be moving out for good. Milan was never good with goodbyes, so this kicked in pretty hard. He hadn’t expected her to come back with such news. He remembered how he had to hold back tears that day and it was even harder when she came over to get some of her things out of the room. But it wasn’t as if she would disappear for good, far from it actually. She’d just found a bigger and much nicer place in Antwerp, just a couple of blocks away. Her best friend recently moved in there and asked if Lisa was interested in sharing and Milan really couldn’t blame her for saying yes. The positive side of all this was that the biggest room of the flat now officially belonged to him! Even though a lot of Lisa’s belongings were still here.  
A lot had changed within a month. Not only did Lisa move out but so did Robbe. Milan was a bit taken aback by that. He didn’t expect Robbe to leave because he really seemed to love it here. Milan couldn’t hold in his tears again when Robbe said his goodbyes. They may only have lived together for two months or so, but they were quite intense and they had grown really close, so it really sucked to see him leave. Thinking back to it now made him feel extremely stupid, because Sander moved into Robbe’s room straight away, so basically, Robbe never left, because the two of them are glued together.  
  
Milan was singing along to one of his favourite Years & Years tracks while going through Lisa’s CD’s and he looked over to Sander who was humming along as well.  
‘I didn’t know you listened to Years & Years?’ Milan said approving.  
‘I don’t, I just know a few songs. And I really like Olly’s style.’ Sander scrunched his nose. ‘I don’t like this though.’ He said when he looked at one of Lisa’s CD’s. He held it between two fingers like he was touching something really dirty.  
‘Let me see that!’ Milan took the CD from Sander and made a sound in disgust. ‘Ew, can you even call this music?’  
‘No, you definitely can’t.’ Sander said as he grabbed the CD back and threw it directly into the bin. ‘That’s the only place where crap like that belongs!’  
‘You should be more respectful of Lisa’s belongings! It’s thanks to her that you can live here!’  
‘We’re only saving her. A person really shouldn’t be listening to this shit!’ Sander said while he continued to look through her CD’s.  
Milan smiled. He couldn’t believe that _this_ Sander, was the same person that walked into their flatshare a few weeks ago, shy, staring at the ground, not even looking up at him or Zoe once when he asked if he could _maybe_ move in. Sander could think very low of himself, but Milan noticed that he finally seemed to be more comfortable living here. He’d grown quite fond of him too. He knew he would like Sander the moment Robbe properly introduced them, he’s a fun and witty guy, with great music taste.  
‘Oh God, this one’s even worse!’ Sander said as he held another CD in front of Milan’s face. ‘Look at it!’  
‘I am looking, but it’s like right in my face.’ Milan blinked and before he could even process the artist, or the album. Sander had already thrown it over his shoulder.  
‘Did I hit it? Is it in?’  
‘Nope, you missed.’ Milan laughed. _Seriously ... this kid.  
_  
They managed to pack all of Lisa’s last belongings. There was nothing left except for her desk and bed, which were now officially Milan’s. The room looked very depressing. The walls were empty and white, the floor was brown and creaking even louder because of the echo and the curtains were the most ugly colour yellow you could think of. They reminded him of his grandmother who used to own white ones, but after too many cigarettes now lies to the whole family, telling everyone they have always been yellow. Yes, it was really time for them to go.  
  
  
**Zaterdag 13:34  
**Milan really preferred shopping alone. When you’re on your own you can just go wherever you want, in other words; you would go straight to the store that sells curtains, pick out the cheapest ones that look decent and back home you go. So he wasn’t really sure how he ended up carrying four shirts, two pairs of jeans and some shoes.  
‘What do you think Milan? Would this fit with that one ...?’ Zoe held a shirt in front of her chest while pointing to one of the things Milan was holding.   
‘Girl, the jeans you picked are either black or grey, everything fits on top of that.’ He answered quite annoyed. He really wasn’t in the mood for clothes shopping. He just couldn’t wait for his room to scream ‘ _here lives Milan!’_ But it wasn’t really fair of him to be so mean towards her either. He may have regretted asking her along, but he did, and these were the consequences he had to face. ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have reacted that way.’  
‘It’s ok Milan. I’ll take these two. I‘ll go pay for them then we can go look for something to make your room a little bit homelier!’  
  
  
**Zaterdag 15:00  
**After too many stores, and buying way too many useless things, they finally arrived at the right place for curtains. Milan had no idea that looking for a bit of fabric could be this hard, and why the hell was everything so expensive?  
‘How about these?’ Zoe laughed as she pulled out curtains with unicorns and rainbows on them.  
‘I don’t want my room to scream _I’m gay_.’ He laughed.  
‘But you wanted it to scream ‘Here lives Milan’. Zoe teased. ‘But I have to agree, they’re a bit much...’  
Milan laughed while looking at a dark purple fabric which he really liked but wouldn’t go with the floor. ‘I think I will just go for simple blue or black ones. Anything is better than the ones I have now.’  
‘Why do you hate your yellow curtains so much?’ Zoe asked curiously.  
‘Well for starters, every morning I wake up with the sun shining in my face, which really sucks when you’re trying to sleep in after a wild night.’  
‘Right.’  
‘Are you judging me?’ Milan asked when he noticed the look on Zoe’s face.  
‘It’s not that I’m judging you, not at all. You’re free to do whatever you want. It’s just ... you and your one night stands. Doesn’t it get ... I don’t know ... boring?’  
‘Boring? No! It’s quite the opposite! Every guy has different needs. You know, this one guy wanted me to -.’  
‘Milan! No ... please.’ They both laughed.  
‘Good afternoon, can I help you with anything?’  
Milan rolled his eyes, if he had to name one thing he hated most in life it would have been this. Why did stores have employees that sneak up on you only to ask you if they can help with anything. If Milan needed something, he would search for someone and ask for it himself. But just when he was ready to tell him to back off, he froze. _This guy_. This guy could help him with _anything_. He was tall, with curly dark hair, a light brown skin tone, an unshaved look and Milan reckoned he was a bit older than him. The things he would like to do with this guy… But was he playing for the same team? Milan wasn’t quite sure yet. He was hard to read. But Milan was eager to find out.  
‘We’re looking for curtains.’ Zoe said as Milan continued to stare. _  
_ ‘Ok, so what exactly are you looking for? Are they just in the room to be pretty, or do you want them to block out the sun?’ He asked this to Milan, his dark brown eyes staring directly into his. And Milan looked right back at him. _This had to be a move, right?_  
‘They’re for the bedroom, which has to be as dark as possible.’ Milan answered with a big smirk. He was pretty sure he was catching the right vibes here.  
‘They can’t be too expensive though.’ Zoe added.  
‘Ah.’ The guy seemed a little disappointed. ‘These ones are quite nice. I don’t know if you two are looking for a certain colour?’ He looked from Milan to Zoe.  
‘Oh no! _No_ ... they’re for _his_ room! It doesn’t matter what I think about them.’   
Milan noticed what he did there, he was trying to figure out if Milan and Zoe were a thing. This guy obviously didn’t have a gaydar, and if he had it was very broken.  
‘Ah, so they’re for you then?’ He asked, as he focused himself back on Milan.  
‘They are, yes. And I like the blue one you’re holding.’   
‘Milan, I think you can handle this alone, right? I will be ... uh ... over there, yes! Looking for a new lamp.’ Zoe said before leaving the two of them behind. Milan knew Zoe didn’t need a new lamp, but she must have noticed the tension between them and didn’t want to interfere.  
‘So, your name is Milan?’ He asked as soon as Zoe walked away.  
‘Guilty. And yours’ ... Patrick?’ Milan said when he could finally read his name tag.  
‘That’s right. So the blue one then? Your room will be darker than dark with these.’ He laughed.  
Normally Milan would have seen this as a hint, a hint that said. _I want you just as much as you want me, take me to that dark room of yours._ But Patrick said it in the plainest way possible. He was simply doing his job.  
‘They’re perfect.’ Milan answered, not knowing what this vibe was anymore. Did he read too much into this?  
‘Good then, I will need the size of the window!’  
Not much was said as Milan handed the measurements over. He really wanted to make it his mission to get this guy into his bed tonight, but something seemed off. The way he smiled at him for example, it wasn’t a smirk, nor did the look in his eyes show that he was already taking off Milan’s clothes in his mind. After all the one night stands he’d had, he would recognize _the look_ and this was not such a look. His smile felt warm, but why did it make Milan shiver and nervous? Patrick barely took his eyes off him. Every moment he could look at him he did. It wasn’t the ‘sex’ look Milan had gotten used to over the years, it was something else, something soft ... something … loving.  
‘Alright, that should be it. Your window has a standard size. We don’t have the curtains here at the moment, but if we order them straight away they should be here on Tuesday.’  
‘Tuesday, ok ... I’ll be th-.’  
‘But if you come pick them up on Wednesday morning I will be here to hand them over to you.’ Patrick said with a warm smile. It was a bold move which left Milan utterly confused. _What does this guy want from me?  
  
_ ‘That was fast! And ...?’ Zoe asked when Milan walked up to her.  
‘And what? I bought the navy blue ones, I can pick them up on Tuesday.’ Milan answered as they made their way out of the store.  
‘You know that’s not what I meant.’ Zoe teasingly bumped her elbow in Milans side. ‘That guy was totally into you! Did you plan anything?’  
Milan still wasn’t sure what happened. He was so used to guys winking at him, smirking at him, giving him ‘the look’, that he wasn’t exactly sure what Patrick expected from him.  
‘We didn’t plan anything, why would you think he was into me?’  
Zoe looked confused.  
‘Are you serious? He was so into you! The way he kept looking at you, and the way he smiled when he heard it wasn’t our room! And I’m pretty sure that smile wasn’t for me! So, why haven’t you planned anything?’  
‘Why do you even care, you just judged me for my one night stands!’ Milan snapped.  
‘Meow! Why so snappy? And I wasn’t saying anything about a one night stand. I was more implying a date. I’d love to see you happy with a cute boyfriend.’  
Milan didn’t answer her. He really didn’t mean to snap like that. He felt weird because he couldn’t stop thinking about Patrick. Zoe was right, he was sure this guy was into him, Milan had felt it too, but the way he showed interest scared him. It had been a long time since someone looked at him the way Patrick did, and thinking back to that time hurt. He’d rather not go back there. But Patrick had asked him to come back on Wednesday morning. Something within him really wanted to, but there was another part which was scared, no, terrified. Terrified to go _there_ again.  
‘Milan, what’s wrong? You know you can talk to me right?’ Zoe asked worried as she hooked her arm into his.  
‘I know.’ Is all Milan answered.  
  
  
**Wednesday 11:00  
**Milan had promised himself he would be a better student this year. He told himself that he would start using the self study hours for what they were meant for, studying and doing homework. But he figured he could miss this one and go pick up his curtains instead. The fact that he would see Patrick again made him feel excited, yet super nervous at the same time. He hated himself for feeling this way. He was never nervous around guys. He was always the confident one.  
‘You came!’ Patrick said surprised when he saw Milan walk towards him. ‘I wasn’t sure you would.’  
‘To be honest, neither was I.’ Milan had really considered not going today. Patrick didn’t seem interested in the things Milan was, but there was something about him that made Milan curious.  
'Well, I’m glad you did. Let me get the curtains for you!’  
Milan really started to second guess his decision to come here today. He should have picked them up yesterday, or tomorrow. What did this guy have that made him come today? Milan had never had difficulties reading people before, he’d normally see right through them. Then again, normally he would meet with guys through Grindr, and he made sure that he only met up with the people who wanted the same thing he did, going out, making out, sex, thank you, next! There were times when Milan would keep the same guy around for a week or so, but never longer! He wasn’t sure if Patrick wanted any of that, but it was clear that if he did, he wasn’t going to be the one to make a move. So Milan decided it was up to him instead.  
‘Here they are!’ Patrick said with a smile that made Milan want him even more, he would love to feel that smile against his lips. ‘So how are you today?’ Patrick asked while he was doing the last bits of administration work.  
‘I’m fine, looking forward to finally having a proper dark room.’ Milan said with a little smirk, he was ready to try now. He put all his thoughts aside and was ready to treat Patrick like all the other guys he had met.  
‘You surely will have with these!’ Patrick laughed while he continued typing things into the computer.  
‘Makes things more interesting in the bedroom, you know?’ Milan felt stupid, this was such a stupid thing to say.  
‘Yeah, I’m sure it will.’ Patrick said without looking up from his PC.  
Milan sighed, ok his move was poorly executed, but was this guy really this clueless?  
‘Can’t you come over to hang them up for me?’ Milan said.  
‘No, sorry. We don’t provide such a service here.’ He said, and Milan could swear that he saw him fight a smirk. He wasn’t sure if Patrick was implying something here, or if he was just simply doing his job. Maybe he was playing hard to get? Patrick was a very interesting guy, that’s for sure. ‘Alright, it’s all done. Here you go, your curtains.’ He handed them over and the moment Milan took them from him there was this moment of awkwardness as they looked right in each other’s eyes.  
‘Thanks.’ Milan said, breaking the awkward silent gaze between them. ‘Well, I’ll just ... go then.’ He walked away disappointed. He’d really wasted his time here. He really didn’t understand why Patrick told him to pick them up today. He didn’t make any move, so what was the point? But just when Milan was ready to step on the escalator he heard Patrick call out his name.  
‘Milan!’  
‘Yes?’ He asked surprised as he saw Patrick hurry towards him.  
‘Sorry, I’m really bad at this.’ Patrick started. ‘I just really wanted to see you again and get to know you a little better but ... I don’t think work is the best place for that. Nor is this outfit.’ He nervously rubbed the back of his neck while fumbling with his hideous purple shirt. ‘Maybe we can ... uh ... I don’t know?’  
Was he really going the way Milan thought he was going here?  
‘Do you ... uh ... feel like going out this Friday?’ He said the last part so fast that Milan wasn’t even sure he understood it right.  
‘ _Going out_? This Friday?’ Milan repeated and Patrick nodded with a smile.  
‘Alright, anything in mind?’ Milan smirked, this was finally going somewhere.  
‘Shall we meet up at Tramplein around 8?’  
  
  
**Wednesday 17:00  
**Milan was happily humming along to Zoe’s music playlist as he was cutting vegetables for the pasta they were making. It didn’t happen often that Milan would help Zoe in the kitchen. She was a bit of a perfectionist and Milan was chaotic, a combination that didn’t work out very well. But when the atmosphere was right it could be fun to cook together. And today the atmosphere was perfect!  
‘Why are you so happy?’ Zoe asked.  
‘I’m going out this Friday!’ Milan said with a big smile.  
‘Ah, it has been a while since your last Grindr hook up, it amazes me that there are even guys left on that app who you haven’t had yet.’  
‘Hey! Now you’re just being mean! I didn’t have that many!’ Milan laughed and pushed her with his elbow. Hiding the fact that that comment did sting a little. ‘I’m going out with that guy from the store.’  
‘Wait, he asked you on a date?!’ Zoe dropped everything she was doing and gave her full attention to Milan.  
‘No, not a date!’ Milan started and he told Zoe everything that had happened and how Patrick asked him out.  
‘You’re so happy though! You didn’t seem so sure about him last Saturday.’ Zoe said after listening to Milan’s story.  
‘I know, but things have changed!’ Milan said with a big smile.  
‘Oh?’ Zoe looked puzzled.  
‘Well, he told me to meet at Tramplein!’  
Milan could see that Zoe didn’t follow him at all.  
‘You know that bar where I often go to meet up with my dates?’  
‘You can hardly call them dates, Milan. And what do you even know about Patrick?’  
‘That he sells curtains and sucks at flirting.’  
Zoe rolled her eyes. ‘That really isn’t much to go on.’  
‘Believe me Zoe, I’ve been with guys of which I knew even less.’ Milan was getting a bit annoyed. He got the feeling that Zoe wasn’t happy for him. Maybe it was jealousy?  
‘But the vibe I got last Saturday was so different, is he really a one-night-stand kind of guy?’ Milan noticed Zoe’s concern but decided to wave it away.  
‘I’m pretty sure he’s just playing the hard to get game!’  
‘Who is playing hard to get? Am I walking into a one night stand story?’  
‘Robbe!’ Milan dropped all that he was doing and hugged his old flatmate tight.  
‘Let him breathe Milan.’ Zoe said before hugging Robbe just as tight as Milan did.  
‘Isn’t Sander home yet?’ Robbe asked as he looked around. ‘Or is he in his room?’  
‘He isn’t home, why? Should he have been?’ Milan asked worried.  
‘Ah, no ... no! Don’t worry. I’m sure it’s nothing’ Robbe said as he made coffee for himself, like he’d never left, which was basically true. The reason why he hadn’t been staying at their flatshare for a while was because his mother wasn’t doing so well, so he decided to stay at home more often. ‘So tell me about that hard-to-get guy.’ Robbe leaned against the kitchen counter.  
Milan gladly told him about Patrick and how handsome he was, about the vibes in the store and about his beautiful eyes. About his very subtle hints and about his cute curly hair which he would love to rub his hands through while Patrick su-  
‘Milan!’ Both Robbe and Zoe stopped him.  
‘Pfff, no fun!’ Milan said with a disappointed pout.  
‘But why are you so sure that he will take you to that bar?’ Robbe asked before taking a sip from his coffee making him cough because it was still too hot to drink.  
‘There are a lot of restaurants too.’ Zoe added.  
‘Pfff, restaurants ... so boring, I’m pretty sure we will go to that ba-!’  
Milan was interrupted by a loud bang coming from the hallway followed by Sander cursing. ‘Can someone help me please?’ He almost begged and the three of them hurried towards the hallway.  
‘What the-.’  
Milan was processing what he was witnessing. You couldn’t even see Sander, there was a giant plant wearing Dr. Martens standing in the hallway, at least that’s what it looked like from his perspective.  
‘What is _this_?’ Milan laughed.  
‘ _This_ is heavy!’ Sander complained before handing the plant over to Robbe who gasped as he suddenly got the weight dropped in his hands.  
‘I thought I told you to buy the smaller one!’ Robbe groaned as he placed it in the corner of the hallway.   
‘You go all the way or no way, right?’ Sander pulled Robbe in for a kiss. ‘It was such a challenge to get it here! It was impossible to cycle with that thing!’  
‘You don’t say!’ Zoe giggled.  
‘And then this stupid bag!’ He said as he dropped his schoolbag to the floor, Milan always wondered what was inside that thing, it sounded like he just dropped a bag of stones.  
‘It sure explains why it took you so long to get here!’ Robbe smiled before leaning in for another kiss.  
Milan always liked seeing the two of them happy, it made him proud but also a bit sad at times. He wasn’t sure what was happening to him lately. He never was the relationship kind of guy, at least, not anymore. But since Robbe and Sander had lived here he had moments where he longed for it. Luckily those moments were short, but they were there.  
‘So, what’s the plant for?’ Milan asked.  
‘It’s for you!’ Sander said.  
Milan was surprised and pointed at himself. ‘For me?’  
‘If it was up to Sander you would now be living in a jungle.’ Robbe laughed . ‘Tarzan here, wanted to buy you six plants like this.’  
‘Like I said before, you go all the way or no way! But one was difficult enough to get here!’ Sander pretended to wipe the sweat off his forehead.  
‘But why is it for me?’ Milan asked confused.  
‘Because you have your own room now! People give each other presents when they move into a new place right? And I saw on TV that plants give some kind of positive aura, so you can’t have enough of them! I bought three plants for myself as well, small ones of course, because my room isn’t big enough.’ Milan could see he would have loved to buy a jungle for himself.  
‘And do you already feel the positivity run through your veins?’ Milan joked.  
‘Not sure if it’s because of the plants or because of this guy.’ He turned himself to Robbe and kissed him again.  
‘Cuties.’ Milan mumbled. ‘Thanks for the tree. I’ll make sure it gets a lovely spot in my room.’ Milan wasn’t sure if this was the aura that Sander talked about but he sure felt a warmth. He really had the best friends.  
  
  
**Vrijdag 13:00  
**Milan stood in front of his closet. He never realized how many clothes he had collected throughout the years. He used to buy a new outfit for almost every date, but even though he had so much to choose from, nothing seemed to work for tonight and there was no time to shop for something new.  
‘Fuck’ he cursed under his breath as he was going through his outfits. He was thinking about wearing his blue shirt, blue works with everything right? But why did it seem too plain now? He put his black shirt on and sighed. He used to love this one, but now it just looked like he was ready for a funeral. The way he looked at himself in the mirror didn’t help either. He looked like a frightened ghost, but why? This was something to look forward to, he would finally have Patrick tonight! But he couldn’t let go of the things Robbe and Zoe said to him. What if they were right? What if this was an actual _date_ date? What if Patrick did indeed take him to a restaurant? Milan shook his head, no ... he wouldn’t … would he?  
He decided to take a few outfits and go to Zoe for advice. Zoe was his fashion guru, she would know what to wear.  
‘Zoe?’ Milan called from the hallway and he knocked on her door. ‘Zoe?’ He opened it and found an empty room. ‘Fuck ...’ He then remembered that she told him she would be out with the girls all afternoon. She couldn’t have picked a worse time. He turned himself to Sander’s door. Sander didn’t really have Milan’s style, or understood fashion, the guy basically wore the same things over and over again, but Milan was desperate at this point, so he decided it wouldn’t hurt to try.  
‘Sander?’ He knocked on the door, didn’t get a reply so opened it. ‘San-.’  
‘Milan!’ Robbe said annoyed as he rolled off Sander and pressed a pillow to his stomach. ‘Still not knocking?’  
‘I knocked!’ Milan defended.  
‘I didn’t answer.’ Sander said while he was quickly fixing his messy hair.  
‘That’s why I came in to see if you were really gone or not ...’  
‘The point of not answering is to make you believe no one is in here, so that you would leave us alone!’ Robbe explained, like Milan was a six year old.  
‘You two are both dressed so I really don’t get what all this fuss is about.’  
‘We were about to get undressed.’ Sander mumbled disappointed. Robbe threw a pillow to his face which made Milan laugh. Of course he understood what they were talking about, and he couldn’t help but enjoy both their embarrassed, yet annoyed, faces.  
‘You can continue your activities later! This is important!’  
‘Outfits again?’ Robbe asked as he pointed at the clothes Milan was holding.  
‘Yes! I have no idea what to wear tonight!’  
‘Just to be clear here, this is for that curtain guy, right?’ Robbe asked and Milan nodded.  
‘Definitely not that sparkly one!’ Sander pointed to Milan’s party outfit. ‘You’d look way too extra in a restaurant wearing _that_!’  
‘He’s taking me to a bar.’  
‘You _think_ he’s taking you to a bar!’ Robbe corrected. ‘Wear that black one, combine it with a bright colour on top of jeans and you will look ready to go!’  
‘Isn’t that boring?’  
‘If the date goes the way you think it will go then you won’t be wearing your clothes for long anyway, so ...’ Sander said smirking. And Milan figured they were right.  
  
  
**Vrijdag 19:40  
**Milan sat on the red bench, way too early. At the other side of the street was the pride flag waving in the chilly wind. He was still sure that was the place they would go tonight, but he also noticed all the restaurants on his way here. Was he so blinded by his own desire that he hadn’t noticed Patrick’s true intentions?  
Milan still wasn’t sure about his outfit. He’d really started to second guess it. He listened to Robbe of all people, _Robbe_! The guy who always wears the same sweater, same jacket, same everything. Like he knew anything about fashion or good outfits to wear on a date. Robbe was just lucky enough to meet another fashion terrorist and that everything connected for those two. But Milan wanted to make a good impression here.  
‘You’re early!’  
Milan was snapped out of his thoughts and looked up at an almost unrecognizable Patrick. He looked so different without his work clothes on. Also his curls were a little wilder and longer then he remembered.  
‘So are you.’ Milan said with a little smile.  
‘I didn’t want to let you wait, guess I failed huh? Did you wait long?’  
Milan felt himself smile wider, _gosh this guy was cute_. ‘Nah, 5 minutes or so.’  
‘Shall we go then?’  
Milan couldn’t keep his eyes off him as they walked in the right direction. He really knew about fashion, you could see it in everything. The way he styled his curly hair, the way he rolled up his black trousers just enough to show a little bit of skin. And then there were the Dr Martens. He looked stylish, like some sort of fashion model, the only thing that was missing was him popping up his collar to look picture ready.  
Milan started to panic when they passed the bar. Was he really taking him to a restaurant? To a place where you have to look at each other all evening, smiling, pretending to like the food they serve, and the worst thing of all, where they have to _talk_ all evening. _No! No nononono! This was_ not _happening!_ Milan didn’t want to talk, he wanted to dance, kiss, to make out, to have sex! He wasn’t here for talking, not now, not ever.  
  
Milan’s heart was pounding painfully fast in his chest, if only he had listened to Robbe and Zoe, then he wouldn’t have been in this situation. He would have cancelled this and would now be in that bar picking up a guy who wanted the exact same thing he wanted. Would it be too late to tell Patrick that he had other plans? That he forgot something important and had to leave? Milan thought about a movie he had seen, where someone ran away from a date by climbing out of a bathroom window, maybe that could work for him too?  
‘Are you ok?’ Patrick asked worried as he looked over to Milan who probably looked like he was ready to pass out.  
‘Yeah, I-I’m fine.’ He faked a smile, he could even feel the corners of his mouth twitch, that’s how hard he had to fake it. ‘Where are we going?’  
‘I reserved a table at a Japanese restaurant ... wait.’ They both stopped walking and Patrick looked like he was in a state of panic. ‘Do you even like Japanese food? I mean, everyone loves it nowadays, so I kind of assumed you would too. Are you allergic to seafood? Or a vegetarian? I should probably have asked you first before calling the restaurant.’  
Milan was overwhelmed by Patrick’s explosion of questions and wasn’t sure what to say. The fact that Patrick seemed just as nervous as him was a kind of relief.  
‘I love Japanese food, teppanyaki, ramen, sushi. You can wake me up in the middle of the night for any of that.’ Milan said with a smile that came natural this time.  
‘That’s a relief. Sorry, I freaked out a bit. It has been a while since my last date.’  
_Date_ ... that word made Milan feel sick. They were really going on a _date_.  
‘This is it! It’s not much, but I didn’t want to make it too fancy, you know?’ Milan could feel Patricks eyes burn in his skin. He should probably say something but he wasn’t sure words would come out. His mouth felt dry, his stomach felt upset, he just really wanted to run away from here. Maybe he could pretend this wasn’t a date, but just two guys hanging out instead. Would that be an option to make this work?  
‘You’re hating it ...’ Patrick said disappointed.  
‘No!’ It came out in some kind of squeaky voice which shocked Milan. ‘I don’t hate it.’ He lied. He did hate it.  
  
They were sitting at the table and silence had never felt this awkward before. Milan was bad with silences, he always felt the urge to talk about things, mostly dumb things, like the weather. But nothing came out, instead he decided it was better to pretend that he was busy figuring out what he wanted to order, which wasn’t much because he had already eaten.  
He peeked over his menu to see what Patrick was doing. He seemed to be doing the exact same thing Milan was, trying to forget about the awkward silence by studying the menu. His eyes were covered behind his dark curls and he bit his lip while scanning through the pages. Something Milan recognized from whenever he felt nervous.  
‘Maybe-.’ Patrick stopped when he caught Milan staring and Milan felt his face burn. _Fuck_. But Patrick smiled. ‘Maybe we can order a menu for two, so that we can share?’  
‘Yeah, sounds good to me.’ Milan agreed and he looked at Patrick who put up his hand to get the waiter’s attention. He still couldn’t believe that someone could look so different when not in work clothes, that hideous purple shirt really didn’t do him justice. But this blouse which was unbuttoned into a deep v-neck sure did. If Milan didn’t know better he’d think that Patrick was a successful fashion model or something.  
‘Are you ok?’ Patrick asked when he caught Milan staring again.  
‘Yeah, it’s just ... you look really good today.’ Milan shocked himself. _He did not just say that! He did_ not _just say_ that _!  
_ ‘Oh.’ Patrick looked surprised, he clearly didn’t expect a comment like that. ’Thanks! You look really good too.’ He smiled.  
‘You think so?’  
‘Why so surprised?’  
‘I really didn’t know what to wear today, so I asked two fashion terrorists for advice and they told me to wear this.’ Why was he being so open around this guy? He couldn’t get too close to him, he couldn’t let this happen again. But Milan knew that he was fighting a losing battle, because he slowly felt himself falling for this guy.  
‘I think you look good.’ Patrick said shyly. ‘But I think you would even look good in my work outfit!’ He laughed, and god was his laugh contagious.  
‘I’d rather not find out about that. Whoever made those shirts should get fired!’ They both laughed and Milan started to believe that he could enjoy this.  
  
‘So ... what do you do for a living?’ Patrick asked after the waiter brought their order to the table.  
‘I’m still studying.’ Milan answered. ‘But I’m working as much as I can. My boss is really happy with my work and told me that he is planning to give me a permanent job once I graduate.’  
‘That’s so cool! What is it that you do exactly?’ Patrick looked genuinely interested and Milan felt this warmth wash over him, this guy could ask him anything and he would answer gladly.  
‘I’m a stage technician. Which basically means I’m handling all the buttons for the sound and lights during concerts and parties.’  
‘Ah! That sounds great! So you’re still studying for that now?’  
‘No, I graduated a while ago, I’m now doing a bachelor in audiovisual arts.’  
‘Wow!’ Patrick looked amazed and Milan laughed. It had been a while since someone listened so attentively to him. He knew he could always talk with his friends, but Milan never really felt like talking. He didn’t like to bother others with his stupid stories or problems.  
‘Enough about me!’ Milan said. ‘What about you? What do you do besides selling curtains?’  
‘Not much actually.’ Patrick looked a little embarrassed. ‘I like my job. The colleagues are all really nice and it pays enough for my rent. But maybe someday I might do something related to photography! I really love taking pictures. Especially at concerts.’ Milan could see the spark in his eyes when he mentioned his love for concert photography.  
‘So you’re a concert guy, huh?’ Milan hit the right topic there. It was great to see Patrick so hyped about music, about all the concerts he had been to and about all the artists he was still planning to see. Milan could listen to him forever, just seeing the absolute joy in his expression made Milan smile like an idiot. Patrick was absolutely _adorable_.  
There it was again, that feeling in his stomach, the jitters which he hadn’t felt in such a long time, and with a reason. He’d promised himself he’d never give in to that feeling ever again. He didn’t want to grow attached to someone. He didn’t want to end up being hurt again.  
‘Sorry, I am talking way too much!’ Patrick said with a bright smile. ‘Are you ok? You haven’t eaten much ...’  
Milan heard him, but he didn’t answer, instead he was staring at his sushi while poking it with his chopstick. His mind was a mess. He really liked Patrick, but that was exactly the problem. He shouldn’t like him. They were way too different. Patrick was clearly looking for a relationship, but Milan wasn’t that type of guy. Milan wasn’t relationship material.  
‘Milan?’  
Milan’s eyes widened when he felt Patrick’s hand on his and he quickly pulled his hand back in a reflex.  
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to-.’  
‘No, it’s ok. I mean ... your question. I already had dinner today ...’ Milan panicked. He had to get away from here, he really wasn’t the guy Patrick was looking for.  
‘Oh ... you should have said so! Then we could have gone to a different place, I wouldn’t have mind.’  
This guy, he was way too nice.  
‘So you thought we would just go out for a drink then?’  
‘Yeah, I thought we would go to a bar or club to dance and have a drink or something.’ Milan didn’t dare to look up at him so he just focused on his sushi instead, he felt so embarrassed.  
‘I’m not really a club or cafe kind of guy. People out there are often looking for an easy prey to sleep with.’ Patrick said. And this is exactly what Milan thought would happen. They were too different, Patrick hated people like him. Milan didn’t say anything, but Patrick must have noticed that Milan was hurt by that comment.  
‘I noticed your intentions as well. The hints you dropped where quite obvious, but they didn’t annoy me like they normally would. The only thing I could think about when you talked to me was; ‘god he is cute’!’  
Milan wasn’t sure what to say. What made Patrick decide to go out with him even though he knew he was one of those people he hated?  
  
They had a few drinks and Milan blamed them for how well the rest of the date went, he also blamed the drinks for enjoying talking with Patrick. There hadn’t been another single awkward moment. They figured out each other’s hobbies, music taste, and their favourite movies. Patrick’s was Romeo and Juliet, which was a bit of a letdown, but he was sure Patrick and Robbe would get along just fine. The conversation got dangerously close to a subject Milan wasn’t ready to talk about. Patrick was proudly talking about his coming out being the best thing he had ever done and how everyone had reacted so supportively. Milan really didn’t feel like talking about his coming out. There was a reason he had moved to Antwerp in the first place. Patrick looked like he was ready to ask Milan _the_ question when his phone suddenly started buzzing. _Saved by the bell!_ Milan thought.  
‘It’s Nick, I really have to get this! I’m so sorry ...’ Patrick apologized before walking off.  
Milan watched him walk outside and noticed the worried expression on Patricks face as he was talking. The worry quickly changed to anger, and he even seemed to be shouting. Great, whoever this Nick guy was, he just totally ruined their evening.  
  
The phone call didn’t last long, it was barely five minutes later when Patrick walked back in, sadness now showing in his eyes as he sat down.  
‘Are you ok?’ Milan asked worried.  
‘It’s ok, I don’t want it to ruin our evening. We were doing so well.’ Patrick smiled but Milan wasn’t letting go of it that easy.  
‘What happened?’  
Patrick exploded into a waterfall of words. He told Milan how he had planned to go to a concert tomorrow and that his friends from The Netherlands were coming over to join him. He told Milan how the person driving had asked for the wrong day off, so now they couldn’t make it.  
‘I love this band so much. I’ll just go alone.’ Patrick said but Milan could hear in his voice that he wasn’t so sure about that. Milan felt bad for him. He’d just talked about how much he loved concerts and then this happens.   
‘If you want to, maybe I could come with you? I might also know two people who would love to take over the other two tickets.’  
Milan blamed the alcohol for everything, why on earth did he just propose such a horrible thing?  
  
  
**Vrijdag 00:03  
**Milan sneaked into the flat, not wanting Zoe to hear him, but he failed when he dropped his keys on the floor.  
‘Milan?’ He heard Zoe’s voice coming from the living room.  
‘It wasn’t me!’ Milan said as he quickly hung his jacket on the coat rack.  
‘Oh, you’re alone?’ Zoe walked into the hallway and seemed surprised. He couldn’t blame her, this was the very first time Milan had come home alone after meeting up with someone.  
‘I don’t want to talk about it ...’  
‘Milan ...’ Zoe wanted to reach out for Milan’s hands but he shook his head and moved into his room.  
  
Milan was exhausted, he was really happy that Zoe didn’t push to talk any further, he didn’t feel like talking about the date, about Patrick. Milan never really told Zoe or anyone about what he felt. He didn’t even know what to tell them, because he wasn’t sure about his feelings himself. Milan was always scared to go there, allowing himself to feel sad, scared, insecure. He always put on a mask, not only for the people around him, but also for himself. _If you smile enough, you will eventually start believing that you’re truly happy._  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Zaterdag 10:00  
** ‘Ok, and why did you drag us into this again?’ Robbe asked when Milan told him and Sander the concert story.  
‘Editors though! They’re good, I’m totally in! I’ve heard they’re great live.’ Sander said as he jumped up from his bed and walked towards his closet.  
‘What are you doing?’ Robbe asked confused.  
‘Hello?! We’re going to a concert tonight! So we need to select an outfit! You can wear something of mine, you can’t go in that sweater!’ Sander said as he threw one of his shirts in Robbe’s face.  
Milan hadn’t thought of an outfit yet, he wasn’t even sure what he was thinking. He’d had a few drinks, but a few drinks don’t make you say that you’d join someone at a concert. A concert of a band he knew nothing about! He had looked up a few video’s on youtube last night as he couldn’t sleep and it did make him pretty excited to see their light show in person. So yes, he was sure he would enjoy it, but going there with Patrick ...  
‘Robbe, why did I say that I’d go with him?!’ Milan sighed as he let himself fall down in the chair at Sanders desk.  
‘Because you like him?’  
‘No! I don’t!’  
‘There is nothing wrong with liking him, Milan.’ Sander said.  
‘But I really don’t like him!’  
‘Then why did you tell him you’d to go with him?’ Robbe asked.  
‘Because ... because ....’ Milan sighed in defeat. ‘Because I like him?’ He couldn’t believe he just said that out loud.  
‘But ...’ Sander looked puzzled.  
‘Milan you’re so confusing sometimes.’ Robbe rolled his eyes. ‘So you do like him?’  
Milan groaned while hiding his face behind his hands. ‘I think I do... what do I do?!’ He must sound ridiculous to them.  
‘What do you mean, _what do I do_?’ Sander asked as he was still looking through his clothes. ‘You like him, he likes you! Go for it!’  
‘It’s really not that simple.’ Milan wasn’t sure how to explain it to them, because they were a couple like you’d see in movies. Milan couldn’t see himself like that. That was ruined for him years ago. He enjoyed his life being single, going out a lot, meeting a new guy every week and having fun. Living his life how _he_ wanted to. Being in love only ends up getting you hurt anyway.  
‘You’ve been with so many guys! Why is it that Patrick makes you this nervous?’ Robbe clearly didn’t understand him.   
_Because he is different!_ Milan wanted to shout it at him, but he decided to keep his mouth shut, like he always did.  
  
  
 **Zaterdag 19:00  
** Milan was never good at waiting,he just didn’t have the patience for it. He’d been nervous about this all day, about how to fill the gap before the concert and between support act and main act. Little did he know that Sander and Patrick would connect right away. They were non-stop talking about music, concerts and artists both Milan and Robbe had never even heard of.   
Milan was really happy that Robbe and Sander wanted to join him. Thanks to them it felt more like a friends night out. But Milan did notice the way Patrick glanced at him while he talked with Sander. There were times that they looked at each other for a pretty long time, making Patrick smile in a way that made Milan’s heart beat faster.  
‘I really like your friends!’ Patrick said when he stepped a little closer to him. ‘I’m really happy that you wanted to join me today. I’m not sure if I would have come alone.’  
‘Never let going alone take away your fun!’ Sander said.  
‘This kid finally speaks a language I understand!’ Milan laughed. ‘You’re never truly alone at a concert, everyone is there for the same artist. And if people don’t feel like being social, fuck them. As soon as the artist starts playing nothing matters anymore!’  
‘Sounds like you’re talking from experience.’ Patrick said.  
‘I’ve been to quite a few by myself, yes. But I was never alone!’Milan loved going by himself. Didn’t matter if it was a party or a concert. He was lucky that he wasn’t shy, so he would connect with strangers quickly and luckily, so far, he always connected with strangers that were up for the same thing. He rarely came home alone after concerts. The one night stands he had after good gigs were often the best thanks to the adrenaline rush.  
‘Milan, wrong timing for such thoughts...’ Robbe whispered while tugging his shirt.  
‘Uh ... did you bring your camera?’ Milan asked Patrick quickly.  
‘No, I didn’t want the camera to spoil the concert experience. There are a few concerts where I leave my camera at home on purpose!’  
 **  
  
Zaterdag 20:30  
** Milan was never a big fan of support acts, and this one didn’t make him feel any different. It wasn’t the worst he had seen, the band was quite ok live, but it just wasn’t his thing. It must have shown on his face because Patrick gave him multiple worried looks during the performance.  
‘You don’t like it?’ Patrick yelled over the music.  
‘I never like support acts, I’m here for the main artist!’ Milan answered with a smile, he didn’t want Patrick to worry about him. Robbe clearly didn’t like it either. He was just standing there with his arms folded in front of his chest looking very confused, as if he was solving a very difficult math formula.  
‘Why so serious?’ Milan asked him.  
‘I REALLY DON’T LIKE THIS!’ The song stopped and it was as if Robbe’s voice echoed through the room. Milan couldn’t stop laughing.  
‘And now everyone knows how much you hated it!’ Sander said with a big smile, clearly enjoying how embarrassed Robbe was. Milan watched how they hugged and kissed each other and noticed that Patrick was watching them too. He also noticed that he then looked up at him with longing in his eyes which made Milan panic inside.  
‘I’ll get something to drink.’ Milan said when it became a bit too much. ‘Beer?’  
Sander and Patrick nodded and Milan could swear that Patrick was about to ask him if he was alright, but he left before he could say anything.  
‘I’ll help you!’ Robbe said as they both made their way towards the bar.  
The venue wasn’t too packed, yet Milan felt more trapped than ever. He wondered what he’d gotten himself into and kept telling himself that this isn’t what he wanted.  
  
‘Patrick is a nice guy.’ Robbe said, smiling, as they queued at the bar.  
‘Shut up.’ Milan said. He really didn’t feel like talking. He knew that Patrick was a nice guy, too nice. That was exactly the problem. He didn’t seem like a person who would end up hurting him, but Milan didn’t want to risk that again.  
‘I can see why you like him.’ He continued and Milan rolled his eyes.  
‘Why? Because he’s just as hyper about music as your boyfriend?’ He joked. Joking was always the best way to feel better.  
‘No, because he’s kind, funny and attractive!’  
Milan didn’t answer he just smiled at him.  
‘Why are you giving me that look?’ Robbe asked nervously. ‘I always get nervous when you look at me like that.’  
‘I’m just really happy that you finally found peace with who you are! You just called another man attractive!’Milan said enthusiastically and he felt like hugging him, but he didn’t want to make it uncomfortable.  
‘Yeah, yeah.’ Robbe waved it away, like he always did when he received a compliment from him. ‘You’re just avoiding the conversation here.’  
‘Yes, he is kind, funny and good looking.’ Milan shrugged shyly. ‘Too bad it won’t work …’  
‘Why’s that?’  
 _Because I don’t want it to work._ he thought. ‘Because we’re too different.’  
‘Just give it a try Milan.’  
  
Milan was really glad that Sander looked up the setlist and had played a few songs on repeat all day to get them prepared for the concert.Itgot quite annoying after a few hours listening to the same songs over and over again, but right now Milan was thankful for it. He recognized all the songs they had heard today and even a few more. He didn’t know them well enough to sing along to all the words, but he did remember the rhythm which made it a lot easier to clap, jump and dance to.  
‘Do you like it?’ Patrick asked in Milan’s ear making him shiver as he felt his breath against his skin.  
‘I do!’ Milan admitted, and he liked how his hand was on his shoulder as well.  
Milan couldn’t stop looking at the stage, the lights were so simple yet so well done but the moment he wanted to tell this to Patrick his hands were being grabbed by him.  
‘I didn’t expect it so soon! Normally they play this song last!’ Patrick said enthusiastically. Milan was confused and wasn’t sure what was going on. Sander wrapped one of his arms around Robbe’s neck and yelled something at him that looked like; ‘Here we go!’ It took Milan a few more seconds to recognize the beat and before he realized what song was playing he was already being dragged into one of the best experiences he’d ever had.  
  
 _‘It kicks like a sleeptwitch.’  
_  
Patrick started to jump, forcing Milan to jump with him. They were now holding each other’s arms while they were jumping in sync, not looking anywhere else but at each other. A bright smile was showing on Patrick’s face and his eyes were twinkling with joy. Milan didn’t expect to like it as much as he did. He felt himself getting lost in the moment and the amount of joy he felt couldn’t be compared to anything else that had made him happy before. This is exactly why he went to clubs and concerts as much as he did, to get lost in the music and to completely forget about his worries, fears and insecurities. Absolutely nothing could bring him down right now. He looked over seeing Robbe cling to Sander who was loudly singing along with a bright smile. And when he looked back to Patrick he noticed him staring differently, his eyes had that same joyful spark but there was something else in there, something that made Milan nervous yet excited at the same time.  
‘I’m really happy you’re here.’ Patrick said when the band talked about the next song they were going to play. Milan was surprised that he hugged him.  
‘Me too.’ Milan whispered against his neck. The moment they broke apart the band started playing a ballad, like it was all planned to happen this way. Milan felt his heart beat faster as Patrick’s hand moved towards his cheek to brush a strain of hair out of his face. The soft touch gave him chills. Milan was terrified that this would happen, but there was something in the way he looked at him that took away his fear, Patrick made him feel safe. His eyes exuded love, protection and security. Things Milan hasn’t felt in a long time.His hand remained on Milan’s cheekas he slowly leaned in. Milan’s heart was about to beat right out of his chest. But he closed his eyes, he didn’t want to fight this anymore, he surrendered himself to Patrick’s touch and let him kiss him and he kissed back.  
  
  
 **Zaterdag 23:10  
** They walked out of the venue, high on concert adrenaline. But Milan was high on so much more. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been kissed like that. He was so used to the lust, the hunger and being used that this feeling made him tear up. He almost forgot what feeling loved felt like. Everything that happened after the kiss felt like too good a dream to be true. He felt so free, without any worries. He thought back to Patrick’s smile when they broke apart and his dark brown eyes that looked slightly worried, probably because he was scared that he went too far. But Milan made sure that his worry got replaced by happiness as they hugged each other tight right after the kiss, so that he could hide the tears that were burning inside his eyes. He remembered how they jumped together, not just holding hands anymore but also with their arms wrapped around each other, how they hugged when they couldn’t jump anymore. They were big smiles and lots of laughs and Milan felt dizzy thinking back about it.  
  
  
 **Zondag 00:04  
** They arrived at the flat, Sander walked in first followed by Robbe who gave Milan a supportive smile before going in. Milan smiled back but the adrenaline rush started to fade and all his worries and fears started to attack him like they had never done before. He hated himself for letting himself go there. He had promised himself to never fall in love again, yet he was here, falling hard.  
‘I really liked it.’ Patrick said as he grabbed both of Milans hands. Milan wanted to pull away from him, to tell him to let go.  
‘I liked it too.’ Milan admitted. And he felt a storm of fear wash over him. This was it. This was that moment where all the final bits of adrenaline made way for a shitstorm of emotions that Milan couldn’t place. It was always so overwhelming that he didn’t know what to do with it. He needed something to get his mind distracted. He needed his fix. ‘Would you like to come in?’ He asked without thinking and he saw the surprised look on Patrick’s face.  
‘I don’t think that’s smart.’ Milan thought he saw him look disappointed.  
‘I didn’t mean … sorry. I’m just tired.’ He fake laughed it away.  
‘Me too, so let’s call it a day eh.’ Milan didn’t expect Patrick to pull him in for a kiss. It was a sweet and soft one. But Milan was so hungry for more, he _needed_ it. He wanted to deepen it, to take Patrick with him and to fall back into old habits, to use him like he had been used many times before by others. But he managed to pull away and remain calm.  
‘I’ll text you.’ Patrick said smiling as he slowly walked backwards so that he could look at him as long as possible.

  
 **Zondag 01:12  
** Milan couldn’t sleep. He always had trouble sleeping after concerts but this time it wasn’t because of the adrenaline rush. His mind was racing and he tried to make sense of what he was feeling, but it was impossible. He sat up against his bed and hugged his knees tight. He felt fear creeping up and he tried to push it away. _Think happy thoughts_. Milan kept telling himself. _Just think happy thoughts!_ He tried to think back to his last one-night-stand, which had been one of the most intense he’d ever had. They barely talked or danced. They met up, started kissing and went straight to his apartment. They both needed each other because they were both dealing with shit and let each other get used to get rid of it. It had been rough, but Milan had loved it. Just how he loved pretty much all of his sex meet ups. They were a way to cope with the things he felt, the things that he couldn’t name, the emotions that he couldn’t explain.  
A tear fell down his cheek, and close after another one followed. Milan brushed them away angrily. He didn’t understand why he was crying. He felt like he didn’t have the right to. He was happy! He was single but happy. He enjoyed his one night stands. He didn’t need a boyfriend. He didn’t need Patrick … Patrick is the reason why he felt like this in the first place. Patrickis the reason why his mask had started to crumble. Not just from the outside, but also from the inside. Milan no longer recognized himself.  
He reached for his phone, tears still streaming down his face as he opened the Grindr app. There were always messages for him to respond to. There had to be at least one person who would want to meet up tonight. He needed it more than ever right now. He was lucky, there were two guys who texted him quite recently.  
  
JustMi: _Hey, still in for a meet up?_  
  
Milan threw his phone to the end of his bed and hid his face with his hands. _What am I doing?!_ He didn’t have to wait long for an answer. It took only a few minutes before his phone vibrated.  
  
MisterC: _When and where?  
_  
Milan stared at his phone and typed the address of a random bar nearby, but before sending, he deleted it. He repeated this a few times until he eventually typed ‘ _Nevermind’_ hit send and threw his phone away angrily, making it fall on the floor. He sighed and pulled his hair in frustration. He couldn’t even do this anymore. The one thing that kept him from falling apart was being taken away from him by this random guy he met. Doing this felt like cheating, because he could no longer deny his feelings for him, even though he tried really hard to.  
  
  
 **Zondag 11:30  
** Milan woke up with a terrible headache and groaned when he heard his phone vibrate against the metal leg of his bed, making the most annoyingly loud sound to wake up to. He tried to reach for it by just moving his arm groaning once more when he felt the phone against his finger, making it slip just beyond his reach.  
‘Nooo.’ He moaned as he moved up with his eyes still closed.  
He finally reached it and opened it, the bright light hurting his eyes. He caught himself smiling when he saw Patrick’s message on the screen.  
  
Curtain guy: _Hey, did you sleep well?_  
  
Milan sighed. How could the person that made him break down into tears last night, be the same person that cheered him up today?  
  
Curtain guy: _Are you still asleep?_  
Curtain guy: _Sorry if my messages woke you up!_  
  
Milan shook his head with a smile. _This guy …_  
  
Milan: _You didn’t wake me up, don’t worry. And I slept pretty well. The curtains are working some magic here! I only just woke up!  
_  
He lied, he slept horribly. He saw it become 5am last night, and he was pretty sure he saw 6am pass as well.  
  
Curtain guy: _I know I said this before but I’m really happy you were with me yesterday._  
Milan: _Me too_  
 _  
_It took a little while before he dared to press enter. It wasn’t a lie. He enjoyed the concert a lot more than he thought he would. And he loved being with Patrick, but at the same time he wished they had never met.  
  
  
 **Maandag 08:30  
** Milan was on his way to school. He didn’t really feel like going today, he was exhausted and just wanted to stay in bed, but he also didn’t feel like being alone with his thoughts, so school seemed like the better option. He was skipping through his playlist for songs to listen to because this train ride was hell. He hated it when people talked so loudly in morning trains. Especially on Mondays! He needed silence so he searched desperately for music to isolate him from the noise. He caught himself searching for Editors and smiled when a song played which he recognized from the concert.   
‘Milano!’  
Milan took his earphones out and greeted his friend with a hug. ‘Hey Simon, going by train now?’ ‘Yeah, car broke! Still sitting in our cabin, huh? I hoped you would!’  
Milan and Simon had known each other for a few years now. Before Simon had a car they would always travel together by train. He’d hop on a few stops after Milan so it was up to him to keep a seat free. Milan always pretended to be fast asleep with his bag in the chair next to him. No one bothers a passenger who is fast asleep on the train. It always worked.  
‘What are you listening to?’ Simon flopped down and took one of his earphones. ‘Editors, huh? Since when do you listen to them?’  
‘Since I saw them live on Saturday.’ Milan said as he scrolled through his phone to show Simon one of the videos he made during the gig.  
‘Wow. I’m jealous! And Lissy will probably kill you for not taking her with you!’  
Milan barely heard him as he just received a message from Patrick. He could see the first bit of the text and he left it unopened. He didn’t want to answer just yet. He had to think of an excuse first.  
 **  
  
Maandag 09:50  
** ‘Well look at this, the lost boy has returned! Where the hell have you been?’ Lissy asked as soon as Milan walked into the room and before giving him a hug.  
‘I was really sick.’ Milan said with his sick voice and added a dramatic cough. He always thought he was a born actor.  
‘Of course you were. Did you at least work on our project? Or have you been busy picking up STD’s again?’  
Milan rolled his eyes. ‘You know I get myself tested regularly. I’m being really careful.’ Lissy never hid the fact that she hated his lifestyle and there were always small moments that she had to mention it. Milan didn’t mind though, at least she was being honest about it.  
‘Milan here was too busy living life!’ Simon started. ‘He went to see Editors on Saturday!’  
‘Wait, hold on. What?!’ Lissy sounded shocked. ‘You did? And you didn’t take me with you?!’  
‘Good luck dude.’ Simon laughed before running off. ‘See ya at lunch!’  
  
Milan and Lissy walked towards the self study room where they would work on their project, at least that was supposed to be the plan. Little did Milan know that Lissy would turn it into an interrogation.  
‘Why were you at the Editors gig?’ Lissy asked suspicious as soon as they both sat down at the table. ‘They don’t seem to be your thing.’  
‘Well, I loved it.’  
‘You did?’  
Milan nodded while going through his bag searching for the notebooks he needed.   
‘Were you alone?’  
‘Nope.’ He was thinking about telling her about Patrick. Lissy and Milan had known each other for years. They grew up in the same town so Lissy basically knew everything about him, not because he told her, but because she had been around him long enough to know things. He took a deep breath before he continued.  
‘I met a guy …’  
‘Why so dramatic? You meet guys all the time.’ Lissy said unimpressed.  
‘But not like this one …’ Milan looked at her, hoping she would figure it out by herself and judging by her expression she did. Her jaw dropped and a twinkling filled her eyes.  
‘You have … a _boyfriend_?!’ She squeaked.  
‘NO! No … I mean … not yet.’ Milan muttered.  
‘Not _yet_!’  
‘Lissy …’ Milan said a bit annoyed. She could be so extra sometimes, which was still weird to him considering the fact that she barely spoke the first time they met. Milan always blamed himself for being a bad influence on her.  
‘Sorry, sorry. I’m just so happy for you! Anyways. Do tell.’ Lissy folded her arms on the table and let her chin rest on them.  
‘Well, we met when I was buying curtains! At first I thought it was nothing but then he asked me out.’ Saying this out loud made him realize that they met in a very odd way.  
‘He asked you _out_? As in … a _date_?!’ Lissy looked like she was ready to burst into a happy dance.  
‘Why am I the only one who never connected the going out and date dots!’ Milan groaned embarrassed.  
‘You’re way too caught up in that one night stand life of yours.’ Lissy gave a comforting pat on Milan’s shoulder. ‘But how did the date go?’  
‘Good.’  
‘Do you like him?’  
‘I guess.’  
Lissy sighed and looked him straight in the eyes. ‘Let’s try that again. Do you like him?’  
‘Y-yes?’  
‘There you go! Does he like you?’  
‘Yes. At least … I think so.’  
‘Is he the one who took you to the concert?’  
‘Yes.’  
‘Then I’m no longer angry at you for not taking me! All is forgiven!’  
Milan rolled his eyes. ‘Thank god for that. I can sleep peacefully now.’  
‘The next time you can take me as the third wheel though!’  
‘I will keep that in mind.’  
  
  
 **Dinsdag 19:00  
** Milan sat on the edge of his bed while he listened to Editors again. Ever since the concert he couldn’t stop listening to the playlist Sander had made and he’d even added a few more tracks himself. He sighed as he let himself fall backwards. He should tell Patrick that this wasn’t going to work between them, that they were too different. At least that’s what his mind kept telling him, but his heart seemed to long for Patrick in ways Milan had only experienced once before. But that’s exactly the reason why he wanted to break things off now before he ended up getting hurt even more. He didn’t want to go back to the state he was in after _him … his first love … Nathan_ …  
  
He snapped out of his thoughts when he heard a knock on his door.  
‘Milan?’ He heard Sander whisper. ‘Are you in there?’  
‘Yes, I am.’  
‘Can I come in?’ He carefully asked even though he’d already opened the door and peeked in. ‘Hey? No work today?’  
‘Nope. Asked for two weeks off for that school project I still haven’t really started on.’ Milan said with a fake smile and he patted the empty spot on his bed next to him. ‘Help me procrastinate! What’s up?’  
Sander sat down and Milan noticed that he was holding something behind his back and wondered what he was hiding.  
‘I wanted to thank you for inviting me to that concert.’ Sander began. ‘People around me have tended to think that I was too unstable for things like that and I may have started to believe it myself. But being at that concert was one of the best experiences I’ve had in a long time.’  
Milan never thought about it that way. He asked them along, mostly out of selfishness. And now he felt guilty. ‘I’m sorry, I should have thought about that … I didn’t …’  
‘No! I’m really glad you didn’t think about it!’ Sander said happily.  
‘But … your wise words about going alone to concerts?’ Milan asked confused.  
‘Ah, that. I was referring to something else … and I wasn’t exactly alone. I was there with Britt, but I didn’t know anyone else. And believe me, going on a holiday with strangers is really scary, especially since Britt and I weren’t in a very good place at that time. I never felt as lonely as I did back then. Until I met Robbe.’  
Milan smiled when he saw Sander’s eyes shine when he mentioned Robbe.  
‘My life has really changed a lot since I met him … and thanks to him I met you!’  
‘Now you’re just being cheesy.’ Milan teased.  
‘Well, call me cheesy I don’t care. But I made you something.’ Sander held out the tube in front of Milan’s face. ‘I hope you like it.’   
Milan popped the tube open and opened the scroll inside. His jaw dropped when he saw the drawing inside. It was a very colorful artwork from his favorite artist, Olly Alexander. He’d seen some of Sander’s art before and most of it was pretty dark but this, this was amazing! He had used all of his favorite colors and put a lot of detail into it. From Olly’s bright red wavy hair, to his safety pin earring, he had thought of everything.   
While he continued to stare at it looking for the right words to thank Sander, he heard him go on and on about how it wasn’t his best work, and that he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to give it to him or not.  
‘Sander! Shut up for a second! This is absolutely amazing!’  
‘You like it?’  
‘No! I _love_ it!’ Milan wrapped both his arms around him and hugged him tight. ‘Thank you so much! I will make sure it gets a great spot in my room.’  
‘I think it will look good above your bed!’  
Milan agreed and jumped up to preview what it would look like there. And he had to agree, it looked great.  
‘Milan, you’re going off.’ Sander said as he pointed to the phone on Milan’s desk.  
He sighed, he knew exactly who this would be and when he read _curtain guy_ on his screen his worry was confirmed.  
‘Something wrong?’ Sander asked as he tilted his head to see what name was on Milan’s screen. ‘Did it not work between you two?’  
Milan sighed and shrugged.  
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Sander asked confused. ‘You seemed to be doing really well during the concert.’ He wiggled his eyebrows making Milan crack a smile.  
‘It’s complicated though …’  
‘I think you’re the one who’s making it complicated.’  
‘Yeah, maybe …’ Milan sighed. ‘Seems like that tree of yours isn’t doing it’s work yet. The positive vibes aren’t here are they?’ He tried to get away from this conversation with a joke, but he knew that Sander wouldn’t let it slide so easily.  
‘Maybe that’s because you’re not giving the plant enough love. Do you talk to it?’ They both laughed but then Sander continued. ‘Has he called you since the concert? Have you got plans to meet up again?’  
‘He texted me yesterday morning but I still haven’t answered, that’s probably why he called.’  
‘Why haven’t you answered?’ Sander asked and Milan wasn’t even sure if he had a proper answer for that.  
‘Don’t know … I was looking for a way out.’  
‘Come on Milan! You two are so into each other! Try to make it less complicated for yourself and call him back! And if it makes you more comfortable to have me and Robbe around we’re having a movie night this Friday. We’re watching Romeo and Juliet.’ Milan could hear that he wasn’t looking forward to it. ‘Just for your information. I’m totally not saying this out of selflessness because I want to be saved from that horrible movie!’  
  
  
 **Vrijdag 18:50  
** ‘Milan can you please stop, you’re making me nervous.’ Sander complained as Milan paced around the living room.This was going to be the night when Milan would tell Patrick that it wouldn’t work between them. This was going to be the moment that Milan would get his normal life back. Starting tomorrow, or even tonight, he could finally go back to his Grindr dates. But why did none of this make him feel relieved? He sighed, let himself fall into the chair and tapped his feet nervously on the floor.  
‘For fucks sake, Milan!’  
‘He’s late.’ He said worried as he looked at the clock on the wall.  
‘No, he isn’t.’ Robbe said calmly as he sat down next to Sander.  
‘But it’s almost seven.’  
‘That’s right, _almost_. He has ten minutes remaining. And if he’s anything like Robbe, he won’t be here before a quarter past seven.’ Sander said as he took a loud sip from his drink.  
‘Hey!’  
‘Still love you.’ Sander said before giving Robbe a kiss.  
‘Are you sure that you want to go through with this? I still think you’re making a huge mistake.’ Robbe said between kisses.  
Milan was about to tell him to mind his own business and to get a room when the doorbell rang. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down, which seemed to have completely the opposite effect as his heart started to beat faster and faster in his chest. A _fter tonight I’ll have my normal life back. I can do this!_ He took a quick look in the mirror to practice his pokerface before finally opening the door.  
‘Hey!’ Patrick said with a big smile.  
 _I can’t do this._  
‘Hey.’ Milan said as he felt himself smile back at him. _  
_This should be the moment where Milan wouldsay; ‘ _we need to talk_ ’ and where Patrick would look nervous and know that bad news was about to come his way, because ‘we need to talk’ was never a good thing. But those words never came past Milan’s lips. He wasn’t ready to fall for him, but he clearly wasn’t ready to break things between them either.  
‘How are you doing?’ Patrick said, breaking the silence. ‘Wait, I should probably take off my coat first, yes … it’s weird if I keep this on when I’m inside. Sorry, I’m rambling …’  
Milan laughed. He really was the cutest when he was nervous.  
‘So, how are you?’ Patrick asked again as he handed over his coat to Milan.  
‘I’m ok, you?’ Milan lied. He was far from ok. His head kept yelling at him to stop stalling, and to get it over with.  
‘I’m good. So this is Casa Milan huh?’  
‘Casa Milan, Zoe _and_ Sander.’ Sander corrected as he walked into the hallway. ‘Sorry, don’t mind me, just on my way to prep some snacks!’  
‘Oh! I didn’t know you were roommates!’  
Sander gasped dramatically. ‘You didn’t tell him?’  
Milan rolled his eyes, he was surrounded by idiots.  
‘You should give him a flat tour. And don’t forget to show him how beautiful the curtains look in your room…’ Sander said with a smirk.  
Milan loved Sander but right now he could strangle him. He knew very well that he had other plans in mind. There was no way he could give him a tour around the flat, end it in his room and then tell him, _well that was it. I’d like to break up now._ What was he thinking?  
‘I’d love to see how you live.’ Patrick said happily. ‘I mean, if that’s ok with you?’ He added, probably because Milan no longer had his poker face under control. He wasn’t sure how his expression was right now, but it couldn’t be all too friendly. But he managed to put it back on and walked with him to the living room.  
‘So, this is the living room!’ Milan said as he waved his hand from left to right. ‘With a lovely comfortable couch, which is often occupied by angry gaming teens’ he continued as he stepped in front of the TV.  
‘Milan!’ Robbe snapped. ‘I was about to win!’  
‘See?’  
Patrick laughed and pulled Milan away from the television. ‘Come on, let him play. Show me the rest.’  
Milan tried to stall, but there really wasn’t much to show except for the kitchen and his own room. So it only took them a few minutes to arrive at his door. So far the atmosphere had always been great because there were other people around, but this would be the very first time it would only be the two of them and Milan wasn’t sure if he was ready for it. The evening had already gone way more different than he intended it to.  
‘So, this is my room.’ Milan said when he opened his door. Patrick walked in first.  
‘Well, Sander was right. They look beautiful.’ He smiled as he looked at the curtains. And he didn’t stop smiling. That’s exactly what made Milan doubt everything right now. He kept telling himself that this wasn’t what he wanted. That things couldn’t go on like this. But the moment Patrick smiled his heart dropped and all his other thoughts faded. ‘Wow, creating a jungle?’  
Milan laughed when he pointed at the plant in the corner of his room.  
‘Yeah, present from Sander and Robbe. It’s supposed to give me positive energy.’  
‘Oh really … and does it work?’  
 _Certainly not right now._ Milan thought as he sat down on his bed.  
‘You know, I really thought that I messed things up between us.’ Patrick said as he sat down next to him.  
‘How so?’ Milan asked, already knowing the answer.  
‘Well, you didn’t respond to my text, didn’t pick up the phone when I called you. I thought that you were ignoring me.’ Patrick took a deep breath before he continued. ‘I really thought I’d done something wrong. Maybe it was the kiss, I noticed that you were startled, but I didn’t stop. I thought maybe you didn’t want it, or that it was too soon? I don’t know … but if I did something wrong, I’m so sor-.’ Milan did something that he didn’t plan to do today, or ever. It was as if someone else took control over his body as he kissed Patrick to silence. It started with just their lips touching, but both moved their hands to each other’s cheeks as they kept the kiss going. Milan saw the relief on Patrick’s face as they broke apart and Milan let out a deep sigh before letting himself fall backwards on his bed. He could not believe that he just did _that._ He could no longer lie to himself that he didn’t really like Patrick. He had made him feel things that he hadn’t felt in a very long time, if ever. But he was afraid. The more you liked someone the harder it would hurt when that person left you, and everyone leaves eventually.  
‘Did that kiss mean “ _you don’t need to worry_ ”?’  
Milan hid his face behind his hands. ‘I shouldn’t have done that. I really shouldn’t have done that!’ Milan started to panic. He jumped up from his bed and started pacing around his room.  
‘Milan? Are you ok?’ Patrick asked worried and tried to reach for his arm, but Milan pulled away.  
‘This isn’t going to work.’ Milan mumbled mainly to himself. ‘This shouldn’t work …’  
‘Hey, calm down.’ He reached for his arm again and this time Milan didn’t pull back. He let Patrick touch him, let him stroke his thumb over his arm as he tried to comfort him. It felt really nice, but Milan really didn’t want it to feel nice.  
‘This isn’t what I wanted.’ He finally said.  
‘What isn’t?’  
‘You. Me. _Us_!’ Milan tried to pull himself back together. None of this was Patrick’s fault so he shouldn’t snap at him like this. It was unfair to make it seem that It was all his fault when in reality the fault lay with himself. It was his fault that he fell for him. He shouldn’t have picked the curtains up that day, he shouldn’t have talked to him, gone on that date with him. He shouldn’t have gone to that stupid concert with him. And this, today, shouldn’t have gone the way it had.  
‘Please leave.’ Milan said with a shaky voice. _It was better this way._  
‘Milan I really don’t understand what is going on.’  
‘We’re way too different. This can never work.’  
‘But isn’t everyone different? Isn’t that what makes life so exciting? To meet new personalities and to get attracted to them?’  
 _He’s way too good for me.  
_ ‘I’m everything you dislike. I’m one of those guys who loves to hang out in clubs looking for easy prey to fuck.’ Milan grabbed his phone and opened his Grindr app. ‘I use this app every weekend. And whenever I find a body which looks appealing enough to have sex with, I text them and meet up.’  
 _Please start hating me, because I don’t have the strength to do this.  
_ ‘Why are you telling me all this?’ Patrick said hurt. ‘Did you meet up with any of those guys since we met?’  
‘Yes.’ Milan lied. ‘After the concert.’ He found it difficult to keep his straight face on. This lie must hurt Patrick so much more than it was hurting him, but it was for the best.  
‘I don’t believe you.’ Patrick said while he shook his head in disbelieve. ‘I don’t believe you!’  
 _Please, stop making things so difficult.  
_ ‘Please, just go.’  
‘But … Milan.’  
‘Just GO!’ He snapped.  
Milan turned his back to him, hiding the tears burning in his eyes. Yes, this hurt. But Milan knew how much more it would hurt if they took things further. It was for the best this way. He heard his room door close and not much later he heard the front door slam shut too.  
  
Milan was laying on top of his bed sheets, staring at the ceiling as he kept thinking about tonight. Nothing should worry him anymore. This is what he wanted. He could finally go back to his Grindr dates without feeling guilty. Everything was perfect right now.  
‘Milan?’ Sanders voice came from the other side of the door.  
‘Go away!’ Milan snapped.  
‘Did Patrick leave?’  
Milan stood up, walked to the door and opened it to see a shocked and worried Sander. ‘What were you thinking?!’ He snapped at him. ‘You knew I was going to break up with him! Why would you say anything about a flat tour? WHY?’  
‘I just wanted to help. You deserve someone who loves you. And I thought you were making a big mistake.’  
‘Stop interfering in my life! I don’t want anyone to love me! I’m happy like this!’  
‘Are you?’ Robbe said as he joined them. ‘Well? Are you happy like this?’ He placed his hand on Sander’s shoulder and told him to wait for him in his room.  
‘I’m sorry, but he really should stop doing this!’ Milan said as Sander walked away.  
‘Of course I will tell him you’re sorry.’ Robbe said completely ignoring what Milan just said. He also didn’t look at him as he walked into his room and sat down on the chair in front of his desk. ‘Sit.’ Robbe said as he pointed to the bed. But Milan really didn’t want to, he wanted to be alone right now. He was sure they both meant well. Everyone always wanted to see him happy with a boyfriend, but no one ever asked him if he even wanted to be with someone.  
‘Ok, then I will say it while you’re standing. And yes, believe me, I know how much you hate me right now and how much you want to kick me out of your room. I will leave, but not before I say this.’  
Milan sighed and looked unimpressed. ‘What?’  
‘Ok, a very wise guru once told me something. Something I really needed to hear.’  
Milan rolled his eyes and was about to interrupt him. He didn’t want to hear any of this but Robbe continued.   
‘Things must be really confusing right now, but please keep listening to your heart. Right now you’re pushing yourself away and if you keep doing it your head will be like Chernobyl. You’ll start hurting the people you care about, and then you won’t just lose your friends, you’ll start losing yourself too.’  
It was very confronting to hear his own words being used against him.  
‘I’m pretty sure that guru never used the word Chernobyl.’  
Robbe ignored him and went on ‘I’m worried about you Milan. I’ve seen you these past few weeks in a way I’ve never seen you before. I have the feeling that you may have already lost yourself.’  
‘Robbe stop.’  
‘I will. But I want you to know that if you ever feel like talking, about _anything_. You’ll know where to find me. Just please, knock first.’


End file.
